Relationships aren’t easy. They never have been, and they never will be. Why? Because most of us have no clue what a healthy relationship even looks like. On top of that, social media is basically a toxic wasteland of misinformation about love and relationships. Every time I open my explore page, it’s filled with garbage advice like:
- “You HAVE to punish him by waiting a week before texting him back.”
- “Control her—she’s not allowed to go outside without your permission.”
- “If he doesn’t do XYZ or buy you XYZ, dump his ass immediately. You DESERVE princess treatment, gurrrlll!”
It’s insane. These days, it feels like everyone has one foot in, one foot out. People are juggling multiple partners on the side because they’re scared of getting hurt by their “main” guy or girl. And let’s not forget the constant search for reasons to break up, always blaming the other person for why things didn’t work out instead of looking at ourselves.
If that sounds like you—if you’re someone who blames your partner for every failure—then this article isn’t for you. But if you’re willing to reflect on what YOU could’ve done better and genuinely want a healthy, long-lasting relationship, then stick around.
Settling for the Wrong Person
Most relationship failures don’t happen because of something you or your partner did wrong during the relationship. Nope. Most failures happen because you chose the wrong person in the first place.
Let me explain. Infatuation clouds our judgment. When we’re attracted to someone—whether it’s their looks, how much money they have, or how famous they are—we tend to overlook red flags. Our brains twist everything about them into a positive light because we’re infatuated. This is thanks to something called the reticular activating system (RAS) in your brain.
Here’s an example:
“Oh, he’s gotten five women pregnant, cheated on his last three girlfriends, and has two criminal convictions?”
“Don’t worry, I can change him.”
Or:
“She does OnlyFans, hangs around clubs five days a week, does drugs, and comes from a broken family?”
“Don’t worry, she said she’s going to change for me.” 🙄
See what I mean? Our brains trick us into thinking we can fix people who clearly aren’t right for us.
Before I met my first girlfriend, deep down, I knew I wanted someone who went to the gym, lifted weights, and was into deep topics. But at the time, I’d never been with anyone before, so I was needy and desperate. When she showed interest in me, I jumped all over her, ignoring the fact that we had zero common interests.
My RAS clouded my judgment. I told myself stories like:
“I’ll start taking her to the gym with me, and she’ll get into it too.”
“I’ll teach her about self-development, and she’ll start liking the same things I do.”
Guess what? It NEVER happened. No matter how hard I tried to change her, she wasn’t interested. Human beings need to discover things for themselves. If you try to force something onto someone, it will NEVER work.
And let’s talk about those people who say they’re going to change for you. Yeah, probably bullshit.
Here’s a word of advice: People are full of SHIT. Talk is cheap. Out of the many people I’ve met who talk about changing their lives, 99% of them are liars. Instead of listening to what they SAY, look at their PAST TRACK RECORD.
Do they consistently demonstrate the qualities you want in a partner? If you want someone who loves the gym, don’t date someone who hates it and think you can change them. If you want loyalty, don’t date someone who says, “I’m not looking for commitment,” thinking you’ll magically turn them around.
It’s almost IMPOSSIBLE to change someone into something they’re not. If they don’t already have a history of self-improvement, chances are they never will.
So instead of settling for someone who isn’t what you want and hoping to change them, why not wait for someone who ALREADY fits your criteria? By waiting for the RIGHT person, you avoid 90% of the conflicts and misery that come with being with the WRONG person.
Defining Your Criteria
The key to avoiding the wrong person is defining your criteria for the RIGHT person. Write it down. Be clear about who you want and the kind of relationship you’re looking for.
What does this person look like? What personality traits do they have? What hobbies and interests align with yours? What does your ideal relationship look like?
But don’t go overboard. You don’t need to specify things like, “They must have golden blonde hair, one blue eye, one green eye, and stand exactly 5’4”.” Keep it general. A good idea is to split your list into “non-negotiables” and “optionals.”
For example:
- Non-negotiables: Monogamy, shared core values (like religion or lifestyle), etc.
- Optionals: Things like height, career, or how they clean the house.
Once you’ve defined your criteria, go out there and meet people. Use your list as a filter to screen out those who don’t meet your standards.
Mindsets for Finding the Right Person
1. Infinite Patience (Be Okay With Being Single)
To find the right person, you MUST have infinite patience. This means being willing to wait forever if necessary. If you’re impatient, you’ll settle for the wrong person just to fill the void.
Realistically, it might only take a couple of years to meet the right person. But having the mindset of “I’m willing to wait forever” gives you the strength to say NO to the wrong people.
2. Saying Yes to the Wrong Person = Saying No to the Right Person
There’s a concept in economics called opportunity cost. When you say yes to the wrong person, you’re simultaneously saying no to the right person. By being with the wrong person, it causes you to lose the motivation to seek out someone who is actually suitable for you. This is a huge mistake. So be wary not to make it.
3. Head + Heart Coherence
Your ideal partner should make sense both in your head and your heart. Not just one or the other. If someone meets your logical criteria but doesn’t spark warm fuzzy feelings, they’re not the one. Likewise, if someone makes your heart race but doesn’t meet your logical criteria, they’re also not the one.
4. If It’s Not a Hell Yes, It’s a Hell No
Use this simple rule: If someone doesn’t make you go “HELL YES!”, they’re a HELL NO. If you feel “meh” about someone, move on. The right person will excite you, intrigue you, and make you WANT to be with them.
The Romantic Relationship Trajectory
Relationships follow a predictable trajectory:
- Honeymoon Phase: Everything feels perfect. You’re euphoric. You cannot imagine being apart from this person.
- Bubble Popping Phase: Problems arise. Arguments, annoyances, and frustrations creep in.
- Resolution Phase: You begin working through conflicts, healing triggers, forgiving one another and growing together.
- Lasting Love Phase: Through deep healing, conflict resolution etc., you are able to navigate the rest of your lives together with deep lasting love. Problems still arise but they’re dealt with gracefully.
Most people quit during the bubble-popping phase. But here’s the thing: Conflict isn’t the enemy that everyone makes it out to be. In fact, it’s an opportunity for growth. The real problem is people have unrealistic expectations. We’re told “relationships are to make you happy”, so if you feel unhappy at anytime, you feel like its an issue with your relationship.
This may indeed be the case if you chose the wrong person, but assuming you chose the right person, then this short period of “unhappiness” is calling you to resolve the conflict, not to run away. So shift your mindset from “relationships are supposed to make me happy” to “relationships are supposed to help me grow.”
Think about starting a business. At first you’re super excited and pumped up, then the excitement wears off and you begin to experience challenges. You begin to realize how difficult it is, and start to have doubts. But do you quit? Heck no! In fact you know that the doubt is just noise so you ignore it, and the result is massive success in your business.
It’s the same exact thing in relationships, so instead of giving into the doubts and quitting, stick it through. The purpose of the relationship is to develop your ability to resolve conflict, forgive and sacrifice for your partner.
This brings me to something profound I learned from A Course in Miracles. It talks about the idea of a “holy” or “conscious” relationship—a partnership where the purpose isn’t to serve you and make you happy, but to act as a mirror reflecting back your insecurities and wounds so you can heal them.
When your partner triggers you, instead of blaming them, ask yourself: Why does this hurt? What part of me needs healing? Over time, as you resolve these inner conflicts, your relationship transforms into something deeper and more meaningful. Every time you feel triggered, thank your partner for revealing areas of healing. After all, you wouldn’t yell at your massage therapist, but thank them for pointing out areas of healing, right?
Fulfillment Comes From Commitment, Not Endless Searching
In The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, there’s a powerful lesson about love and commitment. The prince discovers a single rose on his planet, which he tends to and grows fond of. At first, he thinks she’s special because she’s the only rose he’s ever seen. But when he visits Earth and finds an entire garden of roses, he realizes something profound: The uniqueness of his rose didn’t come from her being the only one of her kind—it came from the time, love, and care he invested in her.
The same applies to relationships. Fulfillment doesn’t come from endlessly swiping or chasing “someone better.” It comes from committing to someone and nurturing that bond, despite the challenges.
“The grass isn’t greener on the other side. The grass is greener where you water it.”
Fighting Lust and Temptation
Lust is a daily battle. In a world of infinite options (dating apps, social media, etc.), it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking there’s someone better out there. But here’s the truth: Fulfillment doesn’t come from endless searching. It comes from committing to someone and nurturing that relationship.
Say no to temptations. Say no to giving out your number. Say no to downloading Tinder. Say no to cheating—even in your mind. Remember: You cheat when you refuse to say no to that person when they first approach you, not when you end up sleeping together.
Final Thoughts
The key to successful relationships is to realize that it’s not about making you happy or feel good all the time. Instead, the purpose of relationships is to reveal to you areas which need healing, so you can heal them, become more “whole” in love and the result of that is indeed greater happiness with your partner.
However, if you fall into the trap of getting upset whenever you’re triggered and refusing to heal, then that’s what usually leads to conflict and the inevitable break up. Once you understand this profound shift, it’ll change everything for you and you’ll begin to actually have fulfilling relationships that last, but a word of warning: It will hurt and push you like nothing ever has before.